CHRISTMAS 10 and RED DRESS RUN 11

The christmas party took place at the Tennis and Squash Club and was a great sucess - it didn't snow. The entertainment at the end was almost as painful as last years only spread out across the masses rather than inflicted on Stalker alone.

THE HAROLDS

as nominated by the pack for various character defects.

CINDERELLA AWARD

Being the panto season, oh yes it is, we’ll start with this award.  It’s not, as some of you might think, going to Cruella for his latest thespian adventure.  It is instead going to someone who had his trainers stolen from outside the back door and had to hash in bare feet for a fortnight, oh yes he did!  The award goes to

NORA BATTY (nominated by Group 4)

DIPPY OLD FART AWARD

The next award goes to someone who enjoys his skiing so much that he’s prepared to go with Group 4.  He was also responsible for removing Nora Batty’s trainers and ran in them for a fortnight in the summer before he started to wonder why he was getting terrible blisters.  The award goes to

CARWASH (nominated by Group 4)

OLD GIT HEART ATTACK AWARD

This award goes to someone e who’s sexy attractions have been seducing male hashers all year but was particularly alluring when she wore tight trousers that were see-through with the aid of a torch.  She gave an old man (Group 4) palpitations.  The award goes to

DIRTY SQUEALER (nominated by Group 4)

THE LOVELIEST HASHER AWARD

This award goes, rather strangely, to a man, because he’s – quote –the “nicest, bestest and loveliest hasher on the hash”.  The award goes to

SUPER SUCTION (nominated by Gordon Findlay)

THE TRUE LOVE AWARD

There’s lots of people who will think there up fot this one but you’ll be out of luck!  The award goes to someone who showed their love had reached new bounds.  Some of you will remember how one of our hasher almost got eaten by a bog in the New Forest during the summer and came out looking like the monster from the Black Lagoon.  Someone else allowed him to get into her car afterwards and didn’t mind when his shaggy covered hand patted her sweet arse.  The award goes to

HIT’N RUN (nominated by Wee Loaf)

THE ANONYMOUS HASHER AWARD

Every year we try to recognise the quieter hashers, and Honka has campaigned tirelessly to ensure this happens.  One delightful hariette has now been hashing for over a year without a name, or is her name just a well-kept secret?  The award goes to

CHARLOTTE WINFIELD (nominated by someone secretly) and promptly named MISS INNOCENT

BUS PASSENGER OF THE YEAR AWARD

This goes to a very special member of the mismanagement (they’re all special actually) who waited at a bus stop in Portsmouth for 5 hours to ensure that a one-legged Polly and his parrot didn’t get left behind on the mystery tour.  This person also extracted a humble apology from the bus company afterwards.  The award goes to

CRUNCHIE (nominated by the mismanagement)

THE STRICTLY COME DANCING AWARD

This goes to a man who definitely believes in dancing “out of the box”, someone who would have had Bruno’s tongue hanging out, who’d have pickled Len’s walnuts, who Craig would have said could “scintillate” but who could actually have sinned till morning.  Those who attended Nash Hash will know who I’m talking about.  The award goes to

ARTLESS DODGER (nominated by Aleisha Snowdon)

THE RELIGEOUS ADVISER'S RAMBLINGS

BIKA decided to forgo the normal attendence awards (this is not a Sunday School) and instead told a rambling story in which each Hasher on hearing their name was supposed to stand and drink a finger of their drink. It went as follows.

I would like to take this opportunity to  tell you a story of hashers.  But because I am the RA I will introduce the temporary  Hash rules. 

1.  In a Hash story when your names are mentioned you leap up , shout your name and drink a finger of whatever you are on
2. If you do not recognise your name you get roundly abused by your table mates, stand up sheepishly and drink 2 fingers

I consulted the oracle of story telling – Hans Christian Henderson  and the Brothers Grimm– they said

1. You must take KERMIT the storyline
2. There should be some ANGELS in the story
3. You must take care not to be too long for the short attention span of the Pack so you need a TIMEKEEPER.
4. There is always a risk that the story will be made into a panto so you need to prepare for a sing song so have a WARBLER close to hand.
5. If you run out of inspiration then just GROUP 4 people together on the road , hope for a HIT & RUN and then PARK YER ROLLS on them to hide the evidence

Once upon a time there was a Hash who decided to have their pre-Christmas dinner run in Never Never land, just outside HAMPSHIRE.  So they laid 3 routes which made it easier for the storyteller to fit in all the names without getting CAUGHT SHORT but even these choices were not  enough for STRADDLE VARIOUS and PORTIA who suffer  from MISS_DIRECTION have to  BUCK THE SYSTEM by  doing their own thing. 

Note to santa – Get these 2 a SAT-NAV.

Let us hope they are CARELESS and fall into a BOG.  MAN that would be funny especially if they came out smelling like a STINKING BISHOP.

So On-On with the story. You will be glad to know that there are no more than 259 pages of this SLURRY (it would be rude to call it shit)

As the Hash set off on the trail they quickly arrived at the Enchanted Forest at which point Mrs Beaton said no chance I am taking the short route around I have heard that the forest is nasty and filled with all sorts of weird and rare creatures. I know said one I have BEEN here BEFORE and there are rumours that there is place that you can pay a BOB to see A VIRGIN.  We don’t get those in HAMPSHIRE

So off they went following the immaculately laid trail (IMPRESSIVE  I hear you think ), deep into the forest until suddenly they ran into a BOG it was a deep BOG, MAN was it deep and it had SUPER SUCTION soon NORA BATTY had sunk to his WILLY WONKY but BIG BERTHA was in even more trouble up to his PRIVATE PARTS.  Would it be too predictable  to hear that TY and NEIL had sunk to their LITTLE DICKIE ? In summary they all had STICKY NUTS
 
Some did not fare badly ,  LOUNGE LIZARD just SKITTERed across the surface but Vicky and Helen didn’t fare so well and came out looking like LADY MUCK.  Being vain young ladies they gave their HERR a FLICK and complained bitterly that their HAIRDO was totally spoilt. Houdini of course got across without so much as getting a DAMP PATCH but LOOPY was left behind as she was CAUGHT SHORT and used the BOG as a LOO to have a WEE.

It was getting dark by now but luckily the LUNI CYCLE meant that it was a full moon and although the pack was getting scared they may MISS their DIRECTION and end up near DRACULAs castle  they were saved from  a CRUNCHie decision at the split in the path when PORTIA and STRADDLE went right so BIKA said “I SACCrifice them” and led the pack to the left

Where by an amazing coincidence they met ROBIN HOOD who said he had BEEN there BEFORE and called up to a member of his gang in the CROWS NEST to give them a SAT-NAV path  to safety via a convenient CARWASH so that they would be freshened up for the meal They all agreed to except DRACULA who has a SICK NOTE because he hates running water

and some embarrassed souls such as BERYL who declared that nobody wanted to see BERYLS OTHER BITS so , wait for it, he would only do the HALF MONTY  so nobody could see his WEE LOAF – ( Bet you thought I was going for the obvious PRIVATE PARTS, LITTLE DICKIE or even HERR FLICK).

In the meantime the shortcutters had made their way around the forest and were beginning to think about their dinner when they came to a local village where they came upon a pond with a number of geese swimming  HONKA went the first goose HONKA, HONKA, HONKA went some of the other geese, it was a big flock but the rest had a SICK NOTE for their sore throats. 

I want one to eat said MRS BEATON, if we snatch one is that FOWL PESTering?  No replied DELIA but we need to send out a STALKER and his mum to choose the right one to snatch I suggest targeting most ARTLESS DODGER and will IMPRESSIVE if you don’t scare them as geese can be a bit SKITTERish around strangers and once they are alerted they become right DIRTY SQUEALERs. 

Just as  STALKER set off with his highly trained hunting dog GROMIT  he was called back by CAPTAIN BIRDSEYE who said  “Get me a fish as well”.  STALKER is no PUSHOVER so he told CAPTAIN BIRDSEYE to stop being a MOANING MINNY and set off stealthily as he knew the KEY is to be LESS noisy than the FOUL PESTS and not to stand on any CRUNCHIE sticks.

Despite some frog (bloody KERMIT) giving the warning they caught their goose and set off again until they saw the ON IN leading to the village hall where they invited to COME IN AND PARK their bums at the AITCH shaped tables.  The food was cooked to perfection some say by Mrs Beaton and DELIA but others think it was delivered by PARCEL FORCE.

 I have no doubt that you think it is rather IMPRESSIVE to mention so many names without missing any.  The KEYS is LESS thinking and more writing it down as it would be ARTLESS to DODGE the requirement and miss someone out.  So before I finish you should hear the menu
 
Starter

A PORTIAn of bread  - just a WEE LOAF

A PORTIAon  of FOUL , with CHAROLETTE potatoes and BirdsEYE peas

Some nibbles on the table – mainly honey covered nuts – (STICKY NUTS!)

For desert
A DAIRY MADE dish
Pumpkin    TART
A spot of Cheese – GROMIT recommends the STINKING BISHOP

Afterwards a TEAPOT each made with the finest Kenyan TEALEAF

HOUDINI could not have gotten out of that better

I see my TIMEKEEPER is waving so I will finish my little tale without singing as you probably know I am no WARBLER.

So enjoy the rest of the evening , leave before midnight or your ROLLS will turn into a PUMPKIN.  If you are CARELESS enough to get stopped by the plod on the way home do not SLURRY your words.  Take KERMIT yourselves and stay on the side of the ANGELS