Issue 2008/3

Run 1182

There was a low turnout for the hash tonight. Had some people been put off by the fact it was the AGPU (Annual General PissUp) after the run?? Who knows, but the usual gang were lurking outside the County Arms, mainly Mrs Beeton, Honka, Cumin’n Parkyer rolls, Cap’n Birdseye, Hampshireman, Florette and miscellaneous other bods. The Hares were that able pair, Hoi Sin and Noodle. Now, as I said numbers were a bit thin on the ground, but as we progressed around Winchester, more and more hashers started to appear. Group4, who had actually managed to find the pub tonight, was seen charging about shouting at everybody. Mr Cuddles and Very Tardy found us at a check. Group4, to everybody’s horror, started to molest Sam at this check. Of course Sam was most horrified of all and Group4 was lucky to escape with all his “bits” intact!!!!

This was a very hilly route. In fact, some of the hills were so steep we thought we had been transported to the mountains of Nepal. Was this some sort of practise session for the Hares who are about to depart for Kathmandu?

Having run (well, some of you did) around parts of Winchester we didn’t know existed, we eventually headed back on our weary little legs to the car park. This wasn’t before we all met at a re-group. This stage of the run was renamed “wee-group” as Donato was spotted disappearing behind a hedge to have a wee. His excuse that he was checking out a bakery was met with derisory sniggers from the rest of us.

Having been given part of the pub all to ourselves, the AGPU was soon in full chaos…sorry, swing!!! Our GM chaired the meeting and attempted to keep order. Delia was first on and gave out some very impressive looking bits of paper. He assured us these were the hash accounts. They looked much too complicated for us simple-minded hashers, but perhaps that was the idea. After all the usual grumbling, arguing and stifled yawns from certain individuals, the landlady appeared with trays of sausages and chips. As if by magic, hundreds..(slight exaggeration)..of hashers (and non-hashers) descended on the food and demolished the lot in record time.

The only ceremony left was the DDs, which presided over by the RA, Bika. The Hares received their awards, as did the birthday girls, Warbler and Very Tardy. Willy Wonky got one for something or other and Donato was named Wee Loaf for his exploits behind the hedge.

Oh, and Cumin ‘n Park Yer Rolls was back to drinking pints, having recovered from the previous week’s bout of ‘flu.

NOTE. Results of the AGPU voting system are that with immediate effect, the weekly run subs are now £2 per hasher. (Nice to have known you Ram). Also 50 run tankard awards will now be 100 run awards, but those hashers nearing their 50^th will still receive the pot already ordered and engraved for them.

Dear Uncle Honka,
I have a serious problem with punctuality and am always late for everything. I am also a serious actor and get extremely pissed off when I stand up to announce anything because everybody shouts "he's behind you" at me. What can I do?
This is an interesting case because I have a patient who is a hasher called TK and he has exactly the same problems. He doesn't know what to do either, the problem is that neither do I
Uncle H.

Run 1183

Careless and Page3 Girl were tonight’s Hares at The White Horse, Otterbourne . It was Page3’s first time…laying a trail that is. Things didn’t bode very well at the start when Page3 decided to run away when the briefing was being given. Buck the System, Herr Flick, Honka and Hampshireman decided to do their idea of a shortcut by heading back into the pub. Having decided that would set a bad example to Pumpkin and the rest of us, they reluctantly followed us all out of the car park only to double back at the first check. Eagerly followed by Pumpkin who had received treats from a bald man at a filling station.

As there was a lot of gossiping going on during this hash, the exact route is something of an enigma. Crunchie, Warbler and Harold Lloyd were all competing to see who could talk the most. Hampshireman had a sneezing fit at the one check he managed to arrive at and sprayed everybody with snot. He then tried to beat up Yours Truly when I protested about my wet fleece.

As I said, there was a lot of chatting going on and some of the conversations sounded most intriguing. Apparently Little Dicky has got a big one, a contradiction in terms, and Slurry has got three, but they’re only little ones. She has since told me she prefers bigger ones!!!!

There was nasty moment when Sam head butted a road sign. Cap’n Birdseye assured us all was well, despite Sam staggering up the road looking mildly concussed. Back at the pub, Honka had commandeered a table, notably as far away from the rest of us as possible. In fact he wasn’t even in the same bar as the rest of us. Now, I do worry about some of the Old Gits on the hash, and Honka is no exception. He had bought a pint for Florette, which would have been OK, except Florette wasn’t there. She was at home with a virus.

Licks was peddling his wares in the pub, namely eggs. His hens must be working overtime. Wire Bender had made a re-appearance after a 3-year absence so he had a lot of catching up to do on the gossiping front. Delia was in the dog-house (isn’t he always) for spitting at Parcelforce and Henry.

Crunchie was tonight’s RA and awards went to the Hares, Honka for being absent minded, Wirebender for turning up and there were two birthday boys..Pumpkin and Herr Flick. There were two namings, one was Little Sprinkle and the other was Beryl’s Bits friend who will now be known as Beryl’ Other Bits, or BOB…very clever!!!

For those sad people who like to know all the statistics as supplied by Delia, the run was 1hr 15mins @ 4.5mph with a distance of 5.68miles. Oh, and before I forget, Warbler and TK were spotted snogging in the circle

Blast from the Past

(or maybe things haven’t changed much)

In the words of Michael Palin…That’s a Dead Ceilidh, and what a disappointment. Hampshireman was told each year “Oh you must have a ceilidh” when he expressed doubts about repeating it year after year. It always sold out until last year when it struggled and made a loss, but again it was to be held this year, back at the old ranch that is Marwell Activity Ctr. However without support it has been cancelled at little loss if any to The VW2H3.

One of the points that surfaced at the AGPU, was that the hash has changed over the years – well doesn’t everything? But we are not the hard partying, wide travelling, event leading hash we used to be. 10 years back The VW2H3 led the pack in organising damn good events and always had a goodly pack visiting other hash events scattered across Europe. Brussels, Paris, Madrid come to mind. This culminated in the best ever Nash Hash, our own in 2001 when Portia’s insistence on the WOW! factor proved to be a hugely successful event.

Maybe there are too many events over the year now, not just by us, but also by the hashes that have increased their own quotas ( a fashionable term)

Like John Cleese, your hash hacks don’t believe the ceilidh is dead just resting.

The Leap Year Hash from the foot of Big Ben at the bong of 8, can’t remember when we did it, proved to be more of a pull for a tidy bunch of VW2H3ers. (No funds needed up front, that’s why).Using British Rail’s special offer of two for the price of one, or Group4 cheap travelling, about 17 made the trip to Waterloo and onwards to The Wellington Arms opposite the station. The ‘craic’ was massive as always when a bunch of 200 or so Hashers get together on the 1^st ( in this case the only night) of a hash event. Hashers down from Glasgow, up from Devon then proceeded at a leisurely walk, well we all had a few beers by then, past the Eye, across that river and to BB. A briefing by the Chief Constable of Avon and Somerset Police (no kidding, he’s a hasher) set us off round London and back to the Wellington. DDs were a noisy if almost inaudible affair due to the crowd, but Warbler managed to filch one. The 11.05 train was absolutely packed out but we all got seats, managing like the upward trip not to sit together, due to some people getting on the wrong train at Winchester apparently.

Run 1184

Winter storms in March, you're joking! Look at the balmy barmy Feb we've had. I bet that is what kept a throng from appearing at The Roebuck. Warnings from the Met Office certainly sent Honka scurrying off to points south for his boys week of golf and of course Mrs B was nowhere to be seen with the threat of precipitation. Hash Hack was also conspicuous by her sylphlike absence but she claims she was on a course..... of collision?

Hares Mudlark and Mustafa had laid an excellent trail, indeed the trainee of the two (considering the number of trails laid) - Mustafa, had actually gone back out that evening and checked it all following the horrendous weather we did endure during the day. What a good chap.

There was no mistaking the mark of daddy Mudders (back in a big way after a long absence from the pack) and the tiny group of walkers led by Small Filling under orders from her spouse and including Hampshireman and the Cap'n, augmented later by CuminanParkyerrolls seemed to appear as if by magic at each check or regroup, therefore feeling very much part of the whole event rather than doing their own thing.

Back at the revamped old boozer, now smart and pastelled, a small but select band were gently coerced into paying subs of £2 by the stand-in Hash Cash Cap'n Birdseye, with splutters of surprise from Skitter who has now decided to do only half the run therefore pay only half the sub. Ram making his second appearance since the increase advised the stand-in RA Portia that he was only going to hash every other week to keep his expenses down, until of course he wants to advertise his marathon. The stand-in Hash Hack gave the cash £2 claiming half of it was on behalf of his better half (absent with illness) on the grounds that she wanted to keep her numbers up.

Page 3 Girl was flashing her sexy pics all round the pub. Resulting in Bogman's expertise as a flasher, she was chuffed to chopsticks about her skin fest on New Years Day being captured in print and was quite willing to have them splashed all over the VW2H3 website. Word was that she should be muscled on board the MM as leader of a recruitment drive. Licks offered his support in this role, but the considered opinion after close scrutiny of both the pics and the subject, was that she didn't need any. While the numerous (much to Delia's chagrin) down downs were purchased, Hoisin was seen swallowing some big ones and other stuff on her plate.

Mr Cuddles was seen to be slavering over the sausages too, as a social hasher.

Portia awarded down downs to Skitter, Ram, Piggy Front, Cap'n Birdseye and Delia for misdemeanours too numerous to list. Ram's muse Carol was handled Reginald Perrin for a remark about a car park lift. Geddit? I don't either.

Hopefully next time we will have some serious journalism back.

Correction

In the last issue, our report from Crufts should have read – ‘the couple that had to be broken up with a bucket of cold water were a Husky and a Poodle, not Hoisin and Noodle’.

Run 1185

Tonight’s run at The Malvern, Southampton was a splendid affair. Of course, I would say that, as Parcelforce and I were the Hares!!! It was St Patrick’s Day but we hadn’t insisted on fancy dress, which was probably a relief to everyone. It was bitterly cold and quite windy too, so it was a surprise to see Mustapha exposing his legs to the elements. His knees looked a strange shade of blue. The rest of us were suitably wrapped up against the weather. Florette turned up, still feeling a bit poorly, but ready to join the walkers. After the briefing we sent the pack out of the car park and off down the road towards the Sports Centre. There was a re-group at the entrance to the Sports Centre and a lot of whingeing was heard coming from the usual culprits. The shortcutters ambled up to join the rest of the runners. Mustapha was complaining about his cold legs and Delia was just complaining!!!!

The main pack set off into the darkness, while we sensible ones kept to the well-lit path. Eventually we all met up again and the main pack headed off into the woods at the back of the ski slope. After Florette’s mishap a few weeks ago, the trail was well away from the steps at the side of the slope. The shortcutters headed on back while the Hares rounded up the stragglers at the back of the main runners. We had a long wait as Bika and Cumin ‘n Parkyer Rolls were too busy gossiping to make any attempt at running.

It was a short run which caused our hash virgin to disappear. He eventually came back to the pub having run an extra 8 miles…silly boy. He said the run wasn’t long enough. I have it on good authority (????) that the run was 4.3miles and it took the fast runners 42.11mins to complete.

There were numerous DDs. The Hares got one of course, as did Little Sprinkle for behaving in a gentlemanly way towards Page 3. He had shone his torch so that she didn’t step in the mud. The Hash Virgin got one for running the extra miles and showing off. Mustapha got one for exposing his legs and Bare Cheek got one for the delay in translating the hash news notes from French into English relevant to a run way back in time. Something like run 1181 at the Cart in February. (Delay still operative)

Hoi Sin was seen tucking into macaroni cheese, a rare treat, as she isn’t allowed to eat it at home. Cap’n Birdseye was in everybody’s bad books for agreeing with Delia. I can’t remember what it was about…something to do with money no doubt!!!

Run 1186

Another chilly night, so having parked their cars everybody headed for the warmth of The Bishop on the Bridge, Winchester to wait for the hare. It was a live trail tonight and Delia was starting off. His “alter ego” (his description, not mine) was Hoi Sin who was taking over for the second half of the trail.

Having arrived quite early at the pub, Noodle kindly offered to buy some of us a drink. However, the offer was hastily withdrawn when he discovered he had didn’t have any money.

It was good to see Harold Lloyd, our GM, looking remarkably well and cheerful. Pissy and Pussy had also returned to the fold. It was a good turnout and after the usual briefing, we set off into the night. Guess where we headed for. Yes, you’ve got it, up St Giles Hill!!! Actually we were following Pissy who assured us he knew where the trail was going. Did he have some inside information? No, of course not, which is why we got lost. There were Hashers scattered all over Winchester and at one point Group4 was seen wandering around Chesil St car park all on his own. Harold Lloyd was striding out manfully (sorry, womanfully) up and down the steep hills but after a while she and I made our way back to the pub.

Eventually we all made it back to the pub in dribs and drabs. Nevertheless, it had been fun and everybody seemed to enjoy the run. Noodle offered to buy me a drink after I had already bought myself one…a very cunning ploy!!

There were numerous DDs apart from the Hares. Ram got one for not having washed his running kit since the Clarendon Marathon. His smelly trainers ran round on their own!!!

Noodle got one for mistiming his drinks offer and the hash virgin, Hannah, received one too. There was also an award for Birthday Girl Harold.

Licks was selling his hens eggs and Pissy told us that he lays blue ones, or so he tells me. How bizarre is that. Actually, he gets them from Waitrose.

Oh, and by the way, Group4 tried to avoid paying his £2 because he got lost and didn’t do the entire trail. What a meanie.