An occasional series of reports on our runs - Any budding or superannuated authors very welcome to contribute

22 Mar 10 - The March Hare, Harestock

Hares : Nora Batty, Skitter & Dracula

Another fine trail , I wonder where it went?

The Down Downs

The RA lost his thread as soon as he had done the Hares but a helpful Hash suggested he start at the beginning. So he bored us a bit about his drive to the pub before mentioning that in the last stretch of road his eye was caught by someone who looked just like Carwash pointing Percy at the trash can in a lay-by. Carwash managed to blurt out an "Oh No" which put him well and truly in the frame, quite why No Sox Please was making so many comments having tried to hide behind a tiny bush in between two roads rather than up a back alley for the same purpose so she joined him.

Next for the attention was Bogman who was found the previous week blowing 60A fuses on his mighty vehicle with gay abandon as he tried to get away from the pub. For those interested he is selling the above mentioned transportation - Caveat Imperator.

Mustapha was brought up to celebrate his 200th run and special mention was made the Harrietts modes of dress - Parcel Force who was accused of stopping the traffic in the bar (note this accusation came from a Harriette) the RA looked into this accusation for a while before remembering that he was supposed to throw some abuse at Bare Cheek for he blatant , gloating usage of a French rugby shirt.

Peter and Sarah our visitors received a welcome drink before attention was put on the Virgins who tonight were sponsored by the letter J. Justine - an army chef who is trying to brainwash encourage young trainees into hashing. James and Jo who have just moved from Cambridge, Jo was invited to speak and promptly dropped herself in it by declaring herself as being not sure if she was a virgin. A name in the making ?. Finally we had nurse Jane who is well on the way to a naming- half way round she took of her top, to reveal a T-Shirt and declared "I am just totally confused now" - pity it was an Alzheimer's T Shirt. She also revealed she was giving No Sox Please a bed bath the next day (Oh er Matron) apparently it is part of the training!!

Having blathered on for far too long we closed the circle.

8 Mar 10 - Fleming Arms - Swaythling

Hares : Mudlark & Stalker

There was a run but as it was a month ago I forget except the hares came in for some abuse.

Down- Downs

Florette - The day before Florette arrived in the Southwick car park, eventually , having stalled getting off the road, stalled , parked and rolled backwards into position (another stall?), apparently it was all down to a new car not lady driving.

Bogman - reached another birthday and thought nobody had noticed - pity he put the date on Facebook.

Delia - was congratulated on completing his 750th run.

Portia was hauled up for making the comment "I thought there were people up there but it's only the shortcutters"

Mr Caught Short was named by the RA who went off into some rambling story about his Facebook site which gave all the details of this prospective local election candidate. He use to be a headmaster, is interested in looking after people, knitting , crochet, has 12 children by 4 women and an inside leg measurement of 24 1/2 inches and as many of the Hash pointed out - a habit of leaving early. It would appear that the RA was put out that there was no mention of Hashing in his CV. Hiding information from the electorate????

22 Feb 10 - The Cricketers - Eastleigh

Hares : Portia - ably unassisted by Capt birds Eye

There was bad traffic so the circle was late and Portia filibustered about Hash markings, his grannies ingrown toenail and the weather to eat up time before allowing us to go forth. His brief was useless as he did not tell us to bring our Whack-F**k sticks which would have been useful as we spent most of the evening slithering our way back and forth across the abandoned Golf Course.

Part of the brief (lost in the rest of the dross) was that Captain Birds-Eye was "The man in the know" for the shortcutters - so why did he find himself in the centre of a map reading circle half way round?

Anyway back at the pub in just over an hour and on to Down Downs.

The hares received the ritual abuse and Timekeeper was called up for the second week in a row. It being only a week since we congratulated Mrs Beaton for managing to get past Valentines day without visiting hospital with food poisoning this week it was the turn of Florette to be poisoned by a dodgy box of Worthy Wine which had been in the boot of Timekeepers car since a social event in time immemorial. He received a glass of water to ensure there was no retaliatory action going on.

At the start of the run we had to cross a busy road which most managed but the Man in Black aka Wimp Racer decided to strike out at no notice in front of a car who roundly tooted him. The down down was to celebrate it not being Group 4 annoying drivers.

The Artless Dodger is unfortunately going to be working in Loughborough as a lecturer so we will only see him on special events and bank holidays so we lose last years Virgin with the most runs. Also joining the intelligence is No Sox Please we're British who started her nursing degree the nest day. Joining the 'I hope I stay really healthy' club is XXXXXX who was heard to observe 'Its Jattie Hacques' - Oh err Matron.

Warbler and Very Tardy received birthday sharpeners

The RA did his weekly total foul up by accusing Cheeky Testicles of not having a Hash name but as he hadn't been out with us for a while he got a drink anyway as random victimisation was in full flow.

And finally we had Loopy Loo who was having real trouble with her pusssy, no matter how much she pushed or prodded she could not get it to move - she wriggled her buttocks, first one on the seat then the other but to no avail. Eventually she picked the damn cat up and dropped it on the floor.

15 Feb 10 - The Black Boy - Winchester

Hares : Catnap and Ram

We all assembled in Chesil Street Car Park, even Bika made it especially early in case he was in the wrong place again. After a lot of needless banter we set off - all the way to the green in the centre of town where we stopped for a chat and for the weak bladders a visit to the loo. Soon all was revealed and the hash went back on itself and down by the river and then the long runners realised they were suckered into a Ram route which led us all a merry dance around the fair city. I have no idea where we went but the hospital featured as did a couple of pubs - un entered- and the Water Meadows before the return to the cars and sanctuary in the pub.

The Down Downs

We congratulated the Hares on their endeavours by praising them to the rooftops for the fineness of the run using the codeword of "Rubbish"

The hash raised a glass in the memory of 'G' Gisbert on the anniversary of his death

Group 4 - (A fine attempt at sympathy of the loss of a tooth - tough was the consensus) and Dracula - (now on 58 runs - RA will let you know when you are on 100) - NO DRINK

Little Miss Puddles had not been with us for ages so was already in the frame as a returnado however on the run she informed us that she had to go back up north early because she has a ticket to see Lady GaGa. Timekeeper was heard to ask who that was so he joined Little Miss for a drink and youth culture acquaint.

It had been noted in the Car Park that one of our Harrietts arrived complaining that she had not been pitched up at the last Hash and that even though she told the bloke at Carphone Warehouse that she was single she still didn't get a reduced rate. It was also reported that she continued to disclose details of her personal life on the way round - I have all the details but in summary she lived up to her name - No Sox Please we're British. She was joined by someone else who had also lived up to their name in being Careless in forgetting her running pumps.

It appears that everyone was loose lipped tonight Mudlark was heard ask Hampshireman "how's your Damp Patch doing" which is a bit cruel , it was a serious operation and the Old Git is recovering well - with the help of Viagra on prescription. It was only later that Portia was heard to tell Hants that he needed C?????? the super strength version of Viagra. How did Portia know that ?

It being half term Lounge Lizard was heart to sigh and complain that Pumpkin was away with the Grandparents , it had only been 3 days but she was "Absolutely Knackered"

To celebrate the Chinese New Year - Year of the Tiger - Catnap and Dracula were called forward as having feline names. Dracula was sent back when it was pointed out to the RA that he turned into a Bat not a Cat.

Finally we had No-Name Phil. In the early loo break he went off to make use of the facilities, it was a cold night but he was unconcerned, in fact he didn't notice his cold hands during the manoeuvre. However as he has been subjected to all the propaganda on washing hands and preventing Swine Flu or other nasties he finished his business and with a brisk shake went off to wash , put the tap on and was just about to dampen his mits when he noticed that he still had his mittens on. So there were a few suggestions for names presented to the Pack for approval - Safety First, Hand in Glove, Swine Flu and Warm Willy. So after a bit of democracy (aka shouting ) the decision was Warm Hand Job

Hare - Licks

The pack assembled at the King Alfred and headed off into the night - then they came back and went to the pub.  OK - more details of the run, well it went along the road, down by the river, across the meadow, through an estate, around a sodding great field, down another road, under a bridge, down a road , past a railway station, through an estate and to the pub.

The down downs tonight were sponsored by the landlord - fine chap that he is.  The recipients:

Group 4 - for arriving late and complaining the first half as he tried to catch up that there were not enough arrows and the second half (because he thought he was out the front) that all the checks were arrowed.  To show how well orientated he was he then left the circle to visit the Ladies.

Bika - Who complained that nobody ever looked at all the maps that he put on the web site etc before admitting he had gone to Alfies not the King Alfred thus explaining his lateness- he was punished by having to run with Group 4 for the first half (see above)

Dracula - for asking if he was close to his 100 about a month after getting his 50th mug.

Florette - On looking at all the decorations in the pub Hampshireman commented that "I can't even get a horn these days".  Florette got the sympathy drink - we could not risk brewers.

Crunchie - Bogman commented on the mooning he observed as he changed in his wagon.  Crunchie immediately stepped forward to take the drink assuming it was her he observed (it was but how did he know from that angle?)

Buckles - poor bloke walked because he has a bad back, bad knee , bad elbow (no I do not see the relevance either) and a cold (probably serious man flu)

And finally our new hasher joining on free transfer from Munich.

Chui Bush - When asked to explain her name she insisted that it was how you spelt it (not what you thought Mustafa) and that it stood for toilet in Swahili upon which the RA corrected her - Chui is Leopard, Choo is toilet.  So she got a down down for being presumptive that the RA would not speak Swahili.

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Hares - Gunner'Ere & Bob the Virgin

A lovely run on a fine night on a well laid trail

The pub was surprisingly crowded and soon the Hash worked out that the 2 meals for £8 was a fine deal worth some unusual partnerships.

No Name Richard - For being a Virgin - the young innocent lad said he would be back.

Toby - for tripping Parcel Force and giving her a big boo-boo on her knee and elbow.  It is so nice to see a Hash Hound that trips his mistress instead of someone else.

Wee Loaf and Roger the Lodger - for performing to national stereotypes.  It was noticed that the Italian government had reported that something needed to be done about the sons who lived at their parents until their 30's - Wee Loaf spent much of the early portion of the run worrying that Mummy was lost. Meanwhile Rodgers was desperately trying to lose his landlady - squatters rights anyone.

Born Liar - for the Guernsey girls commenting that they remembered him fondly or remembered fondling him.

Houdini - Random victim - because ...

Pumpkin - The sign of a misspent youth is being good at snooker or darts or in this case achieving 150 runs.

The amount of ammunition being provided to the RA is getting to be very sub-standard and he needs all the help you can give him so if the Hash can be worse behaved, loose mouthed and generally stupid that would help.

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The Worthy hashers assembled in the Tower Street car park in traditional hash style - they spread themselves over 3 floors refusing to admit that they should move to another level - until Little Boy Delia did blow on his horn so we all joined him.  There were about 60 present but given the Burns Nightishness the pandering to Jock fashion was rather lacking Warbler was in a very short kilt, Crunchie in the more traditional dancing tartan and Bika in a traditional kilt but did he ever follow proper tradition?  Red Cock went for the ginger Tartan Army look and Timekeeper the Tam-o-Shanter.  Eventually we set off and immediately fell for the guiles of the hares before eventually getting ourselves past the railway station and underway.

Some time later we arrived at Chez Delia where we were provided with communion cups of some sort of Jock Brew - apparently it was milk, porridge and whisky.  Red Cock then conducted the traditional Address to the Haggis only in this case it was the murder and senseless butchery of the Haggis.  As the jugs of Jock Broth were empty we left to make our way to the cooked and prepared Haggis in the Gaol House

Now some will have noticed that there are no photographs - they have been censored- because what occurred in the Old Gaol House has never been seen in a Worthy Hash or probably any other Hash before.   There were people forming a long queue to pay Hash Cash, now being English it was an orderly queue but still a queue? 

It became clear that there was a Scottish tendency to the queue as for the princely sum of a run fee one could obtain a plate of Haggis, tatties and neaps plus an alcoholic drink.   Enough to make even an Aberdonian happy. 

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